Something Wrong With Me

I don't really know how to introduce the topic for today's post; so I'm just gonna dive right into it.

When I was three years old, I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD). 

"ADHD is also known as hyperactivity or attention deficit disorder (ADD). ADHD is a common condition that affects children and adolescents, while ADD is more common in adults."

Alright. I am nineteen years old and am a "legal adult" but I still have ADHD. I am still annoyingly hyper.

"Adults with ADHD may have difficulty with time management, organizational skills, goal setting, and employment. They may also have problems with relationships, self-esteem, and addictions."

WedMD goes on to list symptoms, which include:

• Chronic lateness and forgetfulness - Actually, I am a freak about being on time, early even, to classes and such.
• Anxiety - Check.
• Low self-esteem - Check.
• Employment problems - The whole being-on-time thing has actually prevented me having any employment problems.
• Difficulty controlling anger - Check.
• Impulsiveness - CHECK. I once sat in a baptismal just to do it.
• Procrastination - Check. I'm an artist. More like trying to pull of being an artist. But that's my excuse for that.
• Low frustration tolerance - Good Lord...Check.
• Chronic boredom - Seeing as I can entertain myself (or if I cannot, I fall asleep), I don't deal with this one as much.
• Difficulty concentrating when reading - When I was little, I read anything and everything I could get my hands on.
• Mood swings  -  ...check...
• Depression - Check. If happy pills had smiley faces on them, the world would be a much better place.
• Relationship problems - sigh Check.

Take another look over that list. I know I have problems with nine of the above symptoms. That's nine out of twelve. That's 75%. I've been medicated for this since I was three. I am so sick of relying on medication that I kind of find it insanely hilarious when someone complains about having to take vitamins.

IT'S A VITAMIN! IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE PILLS, GET THE CHEWABLES OR THE GUMMIES!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE IS GOOD AND DECENT, DO NOT COMPLAIN THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE A VITAMIN (IF YOU REMEMBER TO TAKE IT!!!).  BE HAPPY YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU MEDICATE YOURSELF, KNOWING THAT THE MEDS ARE THE ONLY THING CONTROLLING YOU!

If you haven't noticed, I can get a little defensive about the whole medication thing.

And if you're just like, "Psh. ADHD. So what? Lotsa people have it." Here's the thing. That's not ALL that's wrong with me.

Time to introduce Asperger's Syndrome.

"Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder that makes it very hard to interact with other people. Your child may find it hard to make friends because he or she is socially awkward.

"People with Asperger's syndrome have some traits of autism. For example, they may have poor social skills, prefer routine, and not like change. But unlike those who have autism, children with Asperger's syndrome usually start to talk before 2 years of age, when speech normally starts to develop.

"Asperger’s syndrome is a lifelong condition, but symptoms tend to improve over time. Adults with this condition can learn to understand their own strengths and weaknesses. And they can improve their social skills.

"Both Asperger's syndrome and autism belong to the group of disorders called pervasive developmental disorders. Asperger's syndrome is rare. About 3 out of 10,000 people have it."

I can see you sitting there, eyebrows furrowed trying to figure out what the heck all that means. Well, seeing as this is a blog on the internet and that I am not physically in front of you speaking, I cannot write it out for you in crayon. But I will do my best and use a pretty color.

I am socially awkward.

I am an awkward situation.

I am a living, breathing awkward moment.

I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

AND

While ADHD may be considered common nowadays, Asperger's Syndrome is NOT.

According to WebMD, here's what I may or may not do:

1. I have a very hard time relating to others. It doesn't mean that I avoid social contact. But I lack instincts and skills to help me express my thoughts and feelings and notice others' feelings.
2. I like fixed routines. Change is hard for me.
3. I may not recognize verbal and nonverbal cues or understand social norms. For example, I may stare at others, not make eye contacts, or not know what personal space means.
4. I may have speech that's flat and hard to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent. Or I may have a formal style of speaking that's advanced for my age.
5. I may lack coordination; I may have unusually facial expressions, body postures, and gestures; or I may be somewhat clumsy.
6. I may have poor handwriting or have trouble with other motor skills, such as riding a bike.
7. I may have only one or a few interests, or I may focus intensely on a few things. For instance, I may show an unusual interest in snakes or star names or may draw very detailed pictures.
8. I may be bothered by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures.

And now I would like to make a comment or two. About the interests, when I was about six, if you ever (EVER) had a question concerning the RMS Titanic or volcanoes, I was your girl. And another thing, this time regarding the verbal and non-verbal cues: This is probably why I never really had any friends growing up.

Wanna know something strange?

I shouldn't be able to function as well as I do. I am a full-time college freshman who was able to hold a job throughout the fall semester and had a decent social life. I even have a boyfriend, which, to be totally and utterly honest with you, surprises me to no end.

You're probably wondering why I'm blogging about this. Well here's your answer: I am sick and tired of being weighed down with the fact that something is mentally wrong with me.  I'm not normal. Heck, normal was never an option in my life anyways. But sometimes I just passionately wish that someway, somehow, I could be normal - not for all eternity, I would be content with just one day. One afternoon, even. That's not a bad thing...is it? To wish to be someone else?