I Have Wild Guardian Angels

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

This verse has always been on the dashboard of every vehicle I've driven. It's last home was my Chevy Cobalt, which I wrecked yesterday when I rear-ended a Jeep Cherokee.

Hardly any damage was done to the Jeep, but my car's status is unknown.

Upon impact, the airbag forced my hand (I drive with my right hand at 12 o'clock) up into the windshield. Except for minor cuts and scrapes, I'm okay. I'm sore and tired, but I'm okay. I had to go to the hospital to get my wrist/hand x-ray'd and amazingly, I didn't break anything.

I had been planning on going to Colorado in August, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to push that farther into the future seeing as I have to pay for damages and the like. Mom said that we'd talk about my Colorado trip, but I have a feeling I won't be going so I'm not going to get my hopes up at all. Even though I really really want to go. So. Badly.

Anyways, I'm okay. I'm banged up and bruised and still shaking, but other than that, I'm okay.

My song for today is Strong Enough by Matthew West. Click the first link to see the story behind the song and the second link for a video with Matthew West and the May 2011 Tornado victims.

Story behind Strong Enough

May Tornado Victims - Strong Enough

Crazy Thing About Life

Alright, so I have this one song that basically sums up my life/world/whatever you wanna call it. Maybe you've heard it? It's by Monday Morning and it's called "Wonder Of It All (Next Year)". Maybe not. Either way, it kinda seems to be my life in song and verse. I have a bunch of my senior pictures that I edited with the lyrics and I'll put the lyrics beneath each picture and maybe write a little explanation every so often.

"All my hopes and dreams inside

Visions lurk behind my eyes
Something new behind it grows
And you smile as my heart knows
To be another still with you
I'm the one who loved you through
But I'm still nothing next to you
I'm still nothing next to you"

I chose a picture of me and my little sister mainly because of the line "I'm the one who loved you through" because she has always been there for me even when I didn't think she was. I love her to pieces and we both dream big.

"What I've seen and where I've been

What's breaking out and breaking in

Who I love and I despise

Melting into compromise

How I've changed and how I've learned

Becoming less, becoming more

But I'm still nothing next to you

I'm still nothing without you"

I love this picture because it's a beautiful shot and because I adore my horse, a Quarter horse/Belgian mix named Preacher. He is my therapy and watching him calms me. 

"The sickness my mind's battled long

The center of my every song

The beauty of my voice it fades

Into a spiritual cascade

Flowing from your perfect smile

I've avoided all the while

But I'm still nothing next to you

I'm still nothing next to you"

I can really identify with this verse because it mentions "the sickness my mind's battled long". Living with ADHD and Asperger's, my mind seems to always battle itself. 

"All the future seems unclear

Never moving, never near

But you hold me as I scream

Wake me from my wicked dream

Something out there waits for me

Hand in hand we wait for it

But I'm still nothing next to you

I'm still nothing without you"

This verse holds one of two of my favorite parts of this song: "all the future seems unclear/never moving, never near/but you hold me as I scream/wake me from my wicked dream". Even though I know my major and what my degree will be, I have no clue what I'm going to do with it. All I know is that I love what I do, even if I'm not very good at it.

"And the wonder of it all

Is I'm still standing

And the wonder of it all

Is we're still standing

Never planned it

And I wonder where I'll be

Next year"

Again, I chose this picture of me and my beloved horse because as I look back on just my senior year of high school, I remember wondering how I was going to get through the day, let alone how I was going to get to graduation and to college. 

"Will you stand right next to me

Will you hold me faithfully

Should I question all these things

What makes me so deserving

Of something that I've thrown away

Coming back for me today

When I'm still nothing next to you

I'm still nothing next to you"

I chose this picture because this is my mom's favorite out of all the pictures that my sister and I took together. I put it with these lyrics "will you stand right next to me/will you hold me faithfully" because no matter what happens, my sister's always watching out for me. Even though I'm the oldest.

"Hearts are broken just to mend

When will my brokenness end

Lending my mind to dreams it seems

Some things are never meant to be

But faith it lingers as I die

Inside surrendering I cry

But I'm still nothing next to you

I'm still nothing without you"

I have had my heart broken so many times, mainly because I have the tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve even though I act like I don't. I have asked myself "when will my brokenness end"? And when I think about it, "some things were never meant to be". God has always been there for me, even when it felt like He was ignoring me.

"And the wonder of it all

Is I'm still standing

And the wonder of it all

Is we're still standing

Never planned it

And I wonder where I'll be

Next year"

I love this picture because it's so simple. I am the most simple-complex person you will ever meet. Some days, I'll sit in the student center and just look at everything around me and I will be completely amazed that I'm actually in college. It seems so surreal. 

"Time is a broken dream

Time is an endless change

Time is an offering

Time has the endless sting

Time has a world to bring

Time, it's a broken dream

That's mended while lovers sing"

I chose this picture because without these girls, I don't want to know where I would be. I have spent a lot of time with each and every one of these girls and I love them to death. 

"And the wonder of it all

Is I'm still standing

And the wonder of it all

Is we're still standing

Never planned it

And I wonder where I'll be

Next year"

This is one of my mom's favorite of all the pictures that were taken for my senior pictures. Here I am, a little over a year later and I can honestly say that I never thought I would be where I am today. And like the chorus says, "I wonder where I'll be next year".

Snopocalypse: Blizzard and Internet

February 1st brought a lot of snow.

Uhm, no. Not that alot. /)_-

Anyways. So I'm sitting in the lobby of the guys dorms and Boyfriend is asleep. On me. Seriously.

Yup. I was surfing LOLCATS and he was like *nap*. Oh, and he's snoring. Okay, it can't really be classified as snoring because it's not constant and not annoyingly loud like a lawnmower/chainsaw thing. He's gonna hate me for this later, but I find it extremely cute. Almost as cute as kittens. 

I asked him if I snored and he gave me a Look and goes, "No, you make little angel noises."

Hm. Angel noises. 

Alright, so back to the snow. Which I had originally planned on blogging about until Boyfriend fell asleep and that ^ happened. Due to the blizzard, I have spent a lot of time cooped up in my room watching NCIS reruns and expanding my collection of things I like. Especially cute pictures of animals (mainly cats which, contrary to the beliefs of the evil Ginger vampyric pope Joel, are NOT evil). And lucky you, I'm going to share my findings.

LET THE WILD RHOMPUS BEGIN!

Okay so this first one isn't a cat or a kitten. But Boyfriend did say that this reminds him of me. Mainly the pose/facial expression/basicallyeverythingaboutthepicture.

There is just something about cats/kittens that make me go AWWWWHHHH and all that fun stuff. Yeah. Like this one.

And this one.

How cute are they?!?!?!

I also found a GREAT way to die:

If this was the reason I died, I don't think there would be anything wrong with that. In fact, I HOPE I die like this. Is it bad to say that? Oh well.

Okay, I'm not going to add all the pics that I want to, at least not in this post. At least if I save some of the pics, I will have motivation for posts later on. Hahaha. Yeah.

Uhm, so look forward to some more sickeningly deplorable-I mean, adorable pics of cats/kittens and maybe Boyfriend. [enter evil laugh here] 

Something Wrong With Me

I don't really know how to introduce the topic for today's post; so I'm just gonna dive right into it.

When I was three years old, I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD). 

"ADHD is also known as hyperactivity or attention deficit disorder (ADD). ADHD is a common condition that affects children and adolescents, while ADD is more common in adults."

Alright. I am nineteen years old and am a "legal adult" but I still have ADHD. I am still annoyingly hyper.

"Adults with ADHD may have difficulty with time management, organizational skills, goal setting, and employment. They may also have problems with relationships, self-esteem, and addictions."

WedMD goes on to list symptoms, which include:

• Chronic lateness and forgetfulness - Actually, I am a freak about being on time, early even, to classes and such.
• Anxiety - Check.
• Low self-esteem - Check.
• Employment problems - The whole being-on-time thing has actually prevented me having any employment problems.
• Difficulty controlling anger - Check.
• Impulsiveness - CHECK. I once sat in a baptismal just to do it.
• Procrastination - Check. I'm an artist. More like trying to pull of being an artist. But that's my excuse for that.
• Low frustration tolerance - Good Lord...Check.
• Chronic boredom - Seeing as I can entertain myself (or if I cannot, I fall asleep), I don't deal with this one as much.
• Difficulty concentrating when reading - When I was little, I read anything and everything I could get my hands on.
• Mood swings  -  ...check...
• Depression - Check. If happy pills had smiley faces on them, the world would be a much better place.
• Relationship problems - sigh Check.

Take another look over that list. I know I have problems with nine of the above symptoms. That's nine out of twelve. That's 75%. I've been medicated for this since I was three. I am so sick of relying on medication that I kind of find it insanely hilarious when someone complains about having to take vitamins.

IT'S A VITAMIN! IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE PILLS, GET THE CHEWABLES OR THE GUMMIES!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE IS GOOD AND DECENT, DO NOT COMPLAIN THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE A VITAMIN (IF YOU REMEMBER TO TAKE IT!!!).  BE HAPPY YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU MEDICATE YOURSELF, KNOWING THAT THE MEDS ARE THE ONLY THING CONTROLLING YOU!

If you haven't noticed, I can get a little defensive about the whole medication thing.

And if you're just like, "Psh. ADHD. So what? Lotsa people have it." Here's the thing. That's not ALL that's wrong with me.

Time to introduce Asperger's Syndrome.

"Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder that makes it very hard to interact with other people. Your child may find it hard to make friends because he or she is socially awkward.

"People with Asperger's syndrome have some traits of autism. For example, they may have poor social skills, prefer routine, and not like change. But unlike those who have autism, children with Asperger's syndrome usually start to talk before 2 years of age, when speech normally starts to develop.

"Asperger’s syndrome is a lifelong condition, but symptoms tend to improve over time. Adults with this condition can learn to understand their own strengths and weaknesses. And they can improve their social skills.

"Both Asperger's syndrome and autism belong to the group of disorders called pervasive developmental disorders. Asperger's syndrome is rare. About 3 out of 10,000 people have it."

I can see you sitting there, eyebrows furrowed trying to figure out what the heck all that means. Well, seeing as this is a blog on the internet and that I am not physically in front of you speaking, I cannot write it out for you in crayon. But I will do my best and use a pretty color.

I am socially awkward.

I am an awkward situation.

I am a living, breathing awkward moment.

I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

AND

While ADHD may be considered common nowadays, Asperger's Syndrome is NOT.

According to WebMD, here's what I may or may not do:

1. I have a very hard time relating to others. It doesn't mean that I avoid social contact. But I lack instincts and skills to help me express my thoughts and feelings and notice others' feelings.
2. I like fixed routines. Change is hard for me.
3. I may not recognize verbal and nonverbal cues or understand social norms. For example, I may stare at others, not make eye contacts, or not know what personal space means.
4. I may have speech that's flat and hard to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent. Or I may have a formal style of speaking that's advanced for my age.
5. I may lack coordination; I may have unusually facial expressions, body postures, and gestures; or I may be somewhat clumsy.
6. I may have poor handwriting or have trouble with other motor skills, such as riding a bike.
7. I may have only one or a few interests, or I may focus intensely on a few things. For instance, I may show an unusual interest in snakes or star names or may draw very detailed pictures.
8. I may be bothered by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures.

And now I would like to make a comment or two. About the interests, when I was about six, if you ever (EVER) had a question concerning the RMS Titanic or volcanoes, I was your girl. And another thing, this time regarding the verbal and non-verbal cues: This is probably why I never really had any friends growing up.

Wanna know something strange?

I shouldn't be able to function as well as I do. I am a full-time college freshman who was able to hold a job throughout the fall semester and had a decent social life. I even have a boyfriend, which, to be totally and utterly honest with you, surprises me to no end.

You're probably wondering why I'm blogging about this. Well here's your answer: I am sick and tired of being weighed down with the fact that something is mentally wrong with me.  I'm not normal. Heck, normal was never an option in my life anyways. But sometimes I just passionately wish that someway, somehow, I could be normal - not for all eternity, I would be content with just one day. One afternoon, even. That's not a bad thing...is it? To wish to be someone else?

Schools Kill Creativity

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Well do not be sad little lovelies, because I haven't forgotten about you. I just am an insanely good procrastinator. Meh. I haven't figured out/decided if this "trait" is a gift or a curse. Right now, I'm thinking it's a curse that I absolutely adore. What? I'm an artist...I've always been a procrastinator. Not to say that ALL artists are procrastinators. Take Boyfriend for example. Sometimes I wonder if he's actually two people stuck in one body but then I remember that no, that's me. Sometimes. Not all the time. Well, you know what. Nevermind. Ugh.

Oh and before I forget, here's a screenshot of Boyfriend and I.

Shoosh, I know he looks retarded, but for once, I DON'T!! See! LOOK!!!

I actually look somewhat cute! This doesn't happen often!

--->[!!!]<---

-shockedandappalledbeyondallrecognition-

Yeah, so really I have no true reason to write today other than the fact that it's been quite some time since we've spoken.

HEY! I ACTUALLY WANT SOME FEEDBACK ON THIS ONE!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Even though it doesn't really matter, because I always do what I decide to do and the majority of the time outside opinion does not sway my outlook on many many things. But anyways. I'm thinking about adding the following picture as the top banner to this here blog:

What do you think?

**Click on it for a larger image.** 

You should comment and let me know your thoughts. 

It'd probably go under the title and quote thing up top. 

Mmkaythanksloveyoubye.

This is really short, but whatever. Here's a video for you to watch of some of my friends at this institution they call university. 

I feel like I should end with some witty quote or something like that. But, alas, I have nothing. Except that I think that if it's going to be insanely cold, there should at least be snow. Why? Because snow seems to be Nature's way of apologizing for being such a bipolar jerk. 

I'm K.H.P., and I approve this message.

Why? Because schools kill creativity.

Hyperactive Dasani-Fearing Aliens With A Degree Audit

Yeah, Dasani like the water bottle. Why? Because I have several bottles of water strategically placed throughout my half of the room. Why? Just in case. Just in case of what? YOU ARE SO NOSY! Gah! But that's to be expected if you're reading this. I think I spelled 'nosy' wrong but my Mac is saying that it's spelled right. N-O-S-Y just doesn't look right. Oh well. Back to Dasani.

So yeah, due to the fact that I have been having cough attacks, I have been making sure that every place in my half of the room has a water bottle within arm's reach. I kinda feel like that little girl in the movie Signs. You know, the cute little girl who is always leaving glasses of water around the house because she says it's contaminated? Yeah, her. Except I don't have an older brother who wears aluminum foil on his head. Although I wish I did. That'd be legit. But I figured I'm ready for the aliens. Not only do I have water, but I also have several heavy objects that I could beat them with. 

I really wish I had a wooden baseball bat. Never know when it would come in handy. And before you ask, yes, I definitely would carry it around with me. If you're wondering why I look paranoid, join the club. I just thought it fit better than a smile.

People keep saying that Boyfriend and I make a cute couple and eventually I will get around to putting a picture of him (and-slash-or us) on here. No promises, though. I try my hardest not to make promises that way no one has a reason to be upset with me when I don't follow through.

Anyways, Boyfriend told me that I wear him out because I'm hyperactive and bouncy and random and stuff like that. He is seven years older than me, but I didn't think that that was a big gap, especially because Mama and Daddy are twelve years apart and either Daddy is on Speed, or Mama is on...something. But they always seem to keep up with each other. Then again, Daddy's 50-something and Mama is 40-something, so I guess when you get older, the hyperactive-ness goes down. Basically, I'm insane. 

You know it's true, so don't try to argue. 

Okay so basically today has been rather annoying. I'm waiting rather impatiently for 5:00pm to roll around so that I can register for the spring semester. Boyfriend already registered because he's a sophomore. I'm hoping to take 17 hours. In case you didn't know, a full-time student takes 12-14 hours. So instead of the normal five classes, I'll be taking six, one of which I'm not really supposed to take (according to my degree audit) until my like sophomore year or something like that. But then again my degree audit said to take my history class I-forgot-what-year-but-not-my-freshman-year. 

Oh, and I'm wearing my glasses. Total nerd day? Yes.

Oh and another thing. For those of you who play World of Warcraft, you understand the following picture.

Heck yes. A new age begins. Fear me.

Zombie Cough/Spaz/Panic Attack

So far today has been epic and not really in the best way possible. Going to bed at 2-3am and waking up at 7:30 is not a good idea. I've always heard that babies need the most sleep and I beg to differ. I need more sleep than an infant. I have decided these mainly because I feel like a zombie. That's how tired I am. Like I'm so tired I'm having trouble with the illustrations. So please forgive me if they are retarded today...well, more so than normal. 

See. This is what I feel like. And yes. I have arms. This came as a shock to me too. So don't get too excited...or whatever emotion it is you people uh...yeah. I forgot where I was going with that sentence. SEE? INEEDSLEEP.

About 2 hours ago, however, this is what I was feeling like:

Dedz. Horribly, terribly, coughingly, dedz. I had a cough/spaz attack in the middle of chapel. It was really quiet and my coughing was really loud and I couldn't stop coughing and everyone was looking at me even Boyfriend who did nothing but sit there and look at me. >.> Thank you Boyfriend.

I'm not mad at him. There really was nothing that anyone could do. I actually had no clue what to do. I was panicking to the extreme. Which I suppose my little episode can now be called a cough/spaz/panic attack. Yeah. That sounds about right. 

I hate history.

Like I hate it so much, my hatred for Windows isn't even comparable to my hatred for history. I literally wanted to beat my head against a wall for hours on end until either the wall came crumbling down or until I passed out. THAT is how much I HATEHATEHATE history.

Whew. Now that I got that out of the way...no...wait.

HAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE IT. 

Am I done now? Oh my gosh I have no clue. I'm slightly scared of myself now. 

>.>

<.<

Does anyone know where I left my invisibility cloak? I can't seem to find it...